So, how do you live?
I know how to recover. Eat, promise to eat, eat more. Stand in the mirror, promise yourself that your being is beautiful. That the growing stomach and thighs are just growing with power over your toxic mind. Insist you are perfect and wonderful until you believe it.
But how do you actually live?
How do you not write, think, breathe the ghost of your disorder? You’ve spent a decade slowly killing yourself from the inside out. How do you find yourself without your sickness? I can’t help but wonder what will happen to me when I am no longer the snide, sick bitch with puke stains on her cheek. I can’t help but wonder how will they react when you are no longer a dying patient. Who will I become when I can no longer introduce myself as the girl with an eating disorder?
How do you live?
The fact that I managed to get 43 slides onto 2 A4 pages indicates that lecturers talk about a lot of bullshit
All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.
Don’t let people treat you like a cigarette, they only use you when they’re bored and step on you when they’re done. Be like drugs, let them die for you.
Treating an eating disorder is like fighting a forest fire. We must put the entire fire out. If an ‘ember’ is still smoldering, there is a chance that the fire will be reignited.
I need to stop holding on to what hurts and make room for things that matter. Or that should matter, anyway.